The Major: I can’t be bothered for the game tonight.
Jim: Why? What’s up with you?
The Major : Things to do, people to see.
Barry: Excuse me, major, could I have tonight off?
The Major: Oh right yeah Barry, let me think about that one.....NO! We’re short tonight, I’ve had to leave the kids and bring the other half.....that sour faced cow over there!
(Pan shot to Samantha)
Dave: (Hysterical laughter) Like lemons, and lemons are yellow!
Jim: I’ve got a joke.....right Indian goes into a bar.....
(San-J enters)
San-J: Hello gentleman.
Barry: What’s he saying?
Dave: A black walks into a bar.....
(Rufus enters)
Rufus: Was’ up?
San-J: Just telling jokes my friend.
Rufus: It’s not the one about the black guy is it?
(awkward silence)
Dave: I’ve gone bright red!
The Major: She’s nice.
Jim: Yeah she’s fit!
Barry: Ye::::::ah ni:::::ce!
Harry: Yes I’d love to recite poetry with her.
(all the reds look at him awkwardly like he’s gay – eyebrows raised)
(Samantha enters)
Samantha: Who’s nice?
(Rufus and San-J exit)
The Major: Oh.....errrrr you are darling.
Samantha: No I’m sure you wasn’t talking about me?
(Tony enters)
Tony: No darling, I think they was talking about me.
The Major: Roll on you, before I pot you in a minute.
(Tony exits – Bryan pots him after command from The Major)
Samantha: You’re full of it aren’t you.....SIMON!
Group of reds: (hysterical laughter) Simon! (state of shock)
The Major: SHUT UP! Listen to this one.....What the difference between a blonde and a snooker table?..... The blonde plays with more than 22 balls a night.
(awkward silence)
Dave: The FA Cup final is on next Saturday
The Major: Really? Who’s playing?
Dave: Chelsea v Arsenal.
The Major: Ah sod that , I hate them two teams, I’d rather come down here again.
Barry: Shut up Si:::::mon! I’m Arsenal die hard and it’s our mates birthday so I think we should go.
The Major: Don’t ever call me Simon again you fat.....
(stopped by Jim)
Jim: Beers boys! (splits them apart)
The Major: Punch me then you tomato! You think you’re the big man ay?
(White splits them up and they go into separate groups)
(Green ball is next to group of reds)
Green: I’ve not missed a night down here for..... err 47 years!
The Major: You are boring aren’t you nearly dead Fred?
(Mass laughter from the reds)
Green: Boring! You don’t know the meaning of the word, I fought in the war!
(Tom and Alex)
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